Dana has written several “letters to God” – you can see them here.
I want to thank You for this day. Another day alive, happy and full of the Holy Spirit. I’m sorry that I haven’t written in a while, but I’ve felt like I haven’t been able to feel Your presence lately, and that has made me lonelier than I ever would have imagined, and also quietly sad inside. Sometimes I sit down to write and the words come pouring out of me like some sort of ocean tidal wave washing over the shores. But lately when I sit down to write, I stare at the blank page with all its plain void and it reminds me of my once spiritually depleted life. So instead of touching the pen down to paper to try to release my written therapy for my once beaten and abused soul, I run and abandon the lonely lifeless sheet like I handled every other uncomfortable or bad situation in my past. But I’m writing You now, my Lord, because I wanted to reconnect. I want to reopen our lines of communication. I no longer want to miss and long for the presence and companionship of my Lord and Savior in my heart or in my life. I long for my heart to be full of Your love, my soul to bask in Your warm, heavenly spirit, my mind to be encompassed with Your holy words and my lungs to be brimming with the sound of the joyful praise that is fully Yours. Lord, I realize that Your love is faithful and I know that any distance between my heart and Yours is of no other fault but my very own.
As it says in 1 Corinthians 1:9 – “God is faithful, through when you were called in fellowship with His Son Jesus Christ our Lord.” Knowing this makes me think back to when my soul was lost and when the dark spirit had me by the hand and was misguiding me down a path of destruction. It makes me remember that in all that time I thought I was alone. I thought I had been abandoned to stand apart and no doubt wither away to the nothingness I’d become. But my Lord, I now realize I was wrong because I’m not alone now, nor was I alone then. I carry the comfort of this knowledge that once again, “God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the tempting will provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13) For I firmly believe that even though I was oblivious to Your divine presence, that looking back I can definitely see it was there. I can now see that the night I pumped my veins full of so much of that dark, deadly mystique and I slowly drifted off somewhere between slumber and purgatory, that it was You my Lord who blew breath back into my lifeless body. It was You who kept my fragile glass heart beating and safe from completely shattering into a million small pieces to never again be fully restored. That on those days when I so readily and quickly blasted that heinous potion to run through my whole body like wildfire unleashed onto a dry, brittle forest to consume every inch of life and leave nothing but gray ash and heavy soot over my once green existence. That it was You O Lord who extinguished that fire and dampened my soul with the crystalline waters of Your love and revived over and over again my delicate vitality to which I barely hung on to. For it was You Lord Jesus, with all Your strength that saved my life day after day, night after night. When I so casually danced between the balances of Heaven and hell by continuously subjecting my body to the throws of evil and turmoil by over and over injecting my veins and my spirit with the black life numbing entity that I gave life and meaning to. It was You O Lord who followed my unbalanced dance steps to keep me from swaying too far towards the hellish pits created out of syringes, heroin, pain, loneliness, lies and deception. It was Your loving arms that caught me and kept me from falling too deep into my own twisted disaster of crime consisting of trafficking, armed robberies, burglary and heavy drug use. That all the time I was suffocating in my own man-made hell decorated with artwork of the dark spirit which consisted of blood money and broken homes. You my sweet Lord were standing guard at the front door to protect me as much as possible against my own choices to sin and keep Satan as much at bay as Your staff of righteousness and my selfish fleshly desires conflicted.
And now, “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou are with me, Thy rod and Thy staff comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4) For this phrase, this promise which You had whispered into my heart without me even hearing, was so true. That how could I have ever believed that I survived even a day in my whirlwind of self torture without You. I was surely both arrogant and ignorant to think that even though I saw only one set of footprints in the quicksand of distress and thought that those lowly prints were my own. No, I now know and acknowledge that those footprints, that single set of prints I saw, were indeed Your my Lord. For You were carrying me the whole time. For You my good God never did forsake me, never did abandon me. Praise God!
“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” and that is exactly what You did for me. Lord Jesus, You perfected me as a whole person, as Your child, with all Your great love and Your great almighty power by saving me at my weakest point. At the point when I could no longer save myself or even see myself past the mess I’d become, the miserable mess the sinner in me had created. Thank You Lord Jesus for letting me find You. For letting me see You and for every day letting me know You more. Thank You my Lord and Savior for being the light in the dark that at times I couldn’t see, but that was still so evidently there. Thank You my God for changing my life with Your promise to save my life! For I truly am amazed at all the beauty and love that is You! I know with You and in You all things are possible.
In Jesus’ name I pray,
All my soul,