Dana has written several “letters to God” – you can see them here.
Hello my Lord. Thank You for this day. Thank You for the life You’ve given me and thank You for the second chance I’ve been lucky enough to get. For now my days are long with laughter, rather than short with burden, warm with friendship and faith rather than cold with pain and drug-induced despair. Lord, thank You for letting me embrace each day with the glory of Your Word and for letting me grow in Your wondrous faith. Praise God!
But my dearest Lord, lately I feel like I’m in a rut. Like I’m stuck between who I used to be and who You desire me to be, which is whom I want to be. Please Lord, don’t misunderstand and think for a second that who I was is something I crave to be, because honestly Lord I’m glad that woman is gone. We both know what she was about. But I’ll go ahead and describe her so that neither of us forget why she’s gone and must never return. For she, I, was heavily addicted to heroin and had no intention or desire to stop. That even though that black disaster had destroyed my marriage of 7 years, and had caused me to lose contact with my 3 young, beautiful boys whom at one time were my whole life. Yet I couldn’t see past my next coma-inducing fix. That even though I had become homeless off and on for the past 2 years and lost a stable job of 11 years with one of America’s best companies, I couldn’t put down that needle which I grew heavily to rely on. Although I’d lost 100+ pounds in a matter of just over a year and severed all tied with a Mother I once adored and admired, I couldn’t look past the metal cooker in the palm of my hand, full of my favorite poison, towards any sort of rehabilitation. And even though that filthy sludge was drowning my very existence with each push of the plunger, so much that I could no longer recognize any part of my previous self. I still even then wouldn’t or couldn’t dare to think of putting down that tar, the color of midnight, the madness to change or save my own life. Heroin had transformed my whole being from someone who once fought for the people I loved to someone who casually said “easy come, easy go”. It had changed me from a vibrant girl who laughed often and loved to be around others to a very withdrawn, cynical, bitter woman who claimed no one was worth being around. The “big black H” had made me its slave and its shackles were cuffs of embrace in my high, twisted life. I neither wanted sobriety nor knew the steps to seek it. And although I felt my heart break constantly, I cried daily, I grew emptier by the hour, and my fragile, fragmented soul which danced between the balances of good and evil yearned for love, life and something greater than myself. I still even then couldn’t let go of the dark elixir that I based my existence on and that the devil so readily kept feeding me.
So my Lord, I’m glad I’m no longer the dark spirit’s “play-toy”. I’m glad that with Your help and faith, I’ve been able to cut the strings the devil was using to pull and control my every move. I’m happy that heroin is gone from my life, and I’m happy my days are filled with my faith in You and the peace of the Holy Spirit. But Lord, I am somewhat afraid what’s next for me because I know I’m not in control because I know that what lies ahead is in Your hands. That what’s next is a blessed life, even if it’s confined to a prison cell, because now I’m saved. But knowing these things my Lord worries me a little, because honestly I’m afraid to fail again. I’m afraid of all the unknown of my future because I had been so comfortable with all the disaster of my past. Comfort is disaster is funny because even though it causes hurt and despair, it is something I relied on. Hurt and despair became a constant that I grew to love because they were two things that never let me know, for they were always right there beside me.
But even though I’m afraid to fail, even though I’m somewhat shy for what lies ahead, I fully embrace the future and I fully welcome it. I no longer want to be the woman who was miserably satisfied with dying, but I want to be the woman who is spiritually happy and who is fulfilled by living! I know that this feeling of being stuck between where I was and where I want to be is only temporary. For I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me and comfort me to the full revealing of where Your path of my calling and my existence collide into my beautiful new life! For that sentiment my Lord literally makes me smile and as of right now, all fear of what’s ahead is now extinguished and I feel an inner peace that encompasses my entire soul. Thank You my Lord Jesus for once again reassuring me that You will take care of me. That all You need from me is faith. Praise God! Thank You Jesus for loving me and for showing me the way even when I think I can’t see. Thank You for not giving up on me even when I want to give up on myself. Thank You for everything You’ve done and continue to do. For I know with You all things are possible. My God is good! In Jesus name I pray, amen.
All my soul,