This is Dana’s sixth “Letter to God”. What a privilege to read these intimate letters to God. I am blessed that she is willing to share these with me, and allow them to be on the blog. Here is her first letter, second letter, third letter, fourth letter, and fifth letter.
I thank You for this day, even though we both know that its been a very tiresome and trying day for me so far. But I’m determined to stay confident that today will end with everything You want it to be for me, for I will “cast all my anxiety upon Him because He cares for me” (1 Peter 5:7). I know Lord that these hard days are necessary and there are plenty more in my future, because I’m aware that this change I am making, this spiritual journey in which I embark, is a process. It is a battle between good and evil; a war between the Holy Spirit and the dark spirit for my eternal being. The battle that wages on inside my mind and spirit involved the evil criminal deviant I’d become and the sinner I was oh so good at being, verses the good woman I’m learning to be and the strong Christian I so desperately desire to be. But I’ve found Lord Jesus that it’s sometimes hard to put down the weapons and destruction of my past to then pick up the wisdom and words of my preconceived future. I struggle with the agile criminal I learned to be so comfortable portraying with the tender, slow-to-anger Christian I still feel awkward attempting to be. Sometimes Lord, as I’m walking down Your path which represents a life of eternity in Heaven as well as Your everlasting love, I stumble back into the trenches of thrones which are engulfed with heartbreak and loneliness. I fight constantly to keep the steel cold doors of my former life tightly closed so that I can live in the warmth of the new days You’ve offered me.
Why O Lord is it so hard to let go of the part of my life that destroyed all that I was, all that I’d become and all I could have potentially been? Why Lord is it so difficult to shed the layers of a dark yesterday filled with so much guilt and heartache, both of which I comforted with a needle full of an intoxicating black solution that rendered me paralyzed to feel almost nothing at all? Why Lord Jesus is it so hard to replace the vindictive thoughts of my present situation that had only drowned me in my own self-made sorrow with the rewarding verses of Your Word which has already shown to cause the roses of my soul to bloom? For I have seen the results of obedience and as it says in 1 Corinthians 1:9 “God is faithful”. For You Lord have shown me the magnitude in which You love me because quite simply O God, You saved my once wretched life. I have felt the blessing of forgiveness which You so readily offer, which in turn relieves me of my shame and suffering and instead fills me with peace and hope. I know the value or rather the invaluableness of the knowledge you propose, but yet I still find myself dancing on the line of my salvation. Why Lord Jesus can’t I just let go of the heroin addicted, plundering thief who lost everything to an insane life of drugs, crime and struggle? Why can’t my mind surrender to what my heart has already accepted as a better, safer way to live, as a salvation encircled with the comfort of faith, the warmth of love and the prosperity of an enriched life. A life enriched with the trust of my family, the laughter of my children and the love of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Please Lord, I beg of You to hear me. I beg of You to know my heart and all that truly lies within it. “For He knew all men and He Himself knew what was in men” (John 2:24-25). For I have faith Lord that You will cast out what’s left of my former self. For You will truly know me and the me I’m trying to be.
Up until now Lord, I believed You saved my life that day in the field. The field of tall weeds, dead, tipped-over trees and nothing beneath my tired feet but dry, dusty, cracked dirt upon which I was so swiftly running to nowhere. But now I see it all a little differently. That day in that field, I did in face die. My former self whom had over time become cold and callous to life’s mishaps, the former woman who had failed and fallen more times that she could count. The previous resident of this body who abused and beat it so badly that she left the scars to prove it. The scars across both wrists and inner thighs left by blades of insecurity and uncertainty which never seemed to be sharp enough to obtain her destructive goal. The gouging track marks that sleeve her arms and hands, legs and inner elbows that tell her story of an unhealthy love affair with the only woman that wouldn’t leave her – the object of her affection that became her Black Queen, her Dark Mistress, her Lady Heroin. That heartbroken, tired minded, drug induced shell of a person who hated herself more than any enemy ever could, for she damaged herself harder than any weapon of engine of war possibly could have. That poor, sad, lonely soul did die by all practical definitions. But the woman You breathed the breath of the Holy Spirit into that same day became reborn, became anew. She’s show I now see in the mirror. She’s the one who holds the pen and writes the story of the previous existence. A previous life she wishes and hopes to never encounter again. She’s the stronger by the day woman who is facing the 40+ year prison sentence for the selfish crimes her predecessor committed. She’s the peaceful soul whose days in lockdown cannot confine her smile or whose mighty dreams cannot be stolen by the hard, cold cement blocks and whose heart is overflowing with a love that can’t be subdued by all the hatred, stress and insanity that this “concrete jungle” tries to inflict.
For You O Lord chose me that day. “For many are called but few are chosen” (Matthew 22:14). The new me is happier, stronger and more confident that I’ve ever been since You chose me. For I am now sure Lord that even though the dark spirit tries to revive the “old” me, the “new” me I have become will have victory and take precedence over anything my horrible past might try to surface.
Thank You Lord Jesus for seeing me, really truly seeing me and believing in me. “There is no creature hidden from His sight but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him” (Hebrews 4:13) Thank You Lord for shining Your light through me, for making me a channel of Your peace. For it is confirmed to me over and over again that in You and through You all things are possible.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
All my soul,