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This beautiful poem was written by one of “My Girls” earlier this year.

My Spiritual Warfare by Christina M.
Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

Dona Ana County Detention Center, March 2014

I look up to the sky… my head to the north
This battle, it wages within me,
Pulling me back and forth
Up and down like a rollercoaster ride
I’m constantly searching for a safe place to hide

I open up this Book
They call it the Word of God
As I struggle to grasp
The chaos in this pod
“Ask and you shall receive”
It’s written inside this Good Book
Still, I suffer in silence
It seems I’m permanently shook
I can’t understand
The wicked ways of the world today
The hurt that I feel is unbearable, and so,
I fall to my knees and pray
“O Lord, rescue me from evil people
Protect me from violence and bad,
From those who plot evil inside their hearts
Stirring trouble, making me sad” (Psalm 140:1-2)
A flood inside my heart begins
Sadness prevails
I reflect on my sins
“Oh dear God, what have I done?”
I know I’m undeserving of Your
Unconditional love
You see, I’m an addict
A cheater
And a liar
But still You continue to love me
But still I continue to question why?
The sun, it rises, and then it falls
I hear a spiritual ringing
I wonder “Should I answer this call?”
Why do I doubt You,
When You’ve given me Your all?
For Your love is so big
And my faith is so small
You see… God remains the same
Even when I’m filled with doubt
This battle that wages within me…
What’s it all about?
The Lord is my light and my salvation (Psalm 27:1)
So why should I be afraid?
Society has labeled me a convict
I say my debts have been paid
It’s funny, our eye see only what they want
We deceive ourselves each and every day
The Lord said I must repent from my heart
I suppose there’s more I must say
So I look to the Heavens
My eyes begin to blur
My tears fall uncontrollably
I am broken
Of this I am sure.
Suddenly… through the blur,
Past the taste of my salty tears
I see all my madness
I face all my fears.
The man who took my childhood…
The mama who pushed me away…
The voices inside my head…
The children who begged me to stay
All of my life
Played right before my very eyes
The people who’ve hurt me,
I can no longer despise
Because I too am guilty!
Of inflicting hurt and causing pain
And furthermore… I’m guilty!
Of living my life in vain
Torn and confused
Wasted and used
This is the outcome
Of a child, abused
And just as I feel like turning away
A heat warms my body
And I hear “I want you to stay”
I cannot see a person
It’s not a place or a thing
It’s the call I didn’t answer
It’s the sound of that ring
Now I see it… It’s God calling to my heart
He never left me
He’s held my hand from the start
The mountains may move,
But God’s love will remain (Isaiah 54:10)
He loves me entirely,
Even as I stand in shame
He made my heart
He understands what I do
And so through His love,
His promises and His Word
My life can begin
To renew.